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100 Funny and Witty Replies to Rude Comments

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Cheeky Kid is a cybernaut who spends a lot of time browsing the web, grasping infinite information, and reveling in entertainment and fun.

Funny and witty responses to rude comments and mean people.

Anton Mislawsky, CC0, via Unsplash

Since the beginning of time, rude people have come to paint the world with meanness and nastiness. Everywhere you go, rude comments emanating from various churlish sources are widespread and rampant. There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to dealing with them. Luckily, talking back is one way to respond!

This list rolls up 100 funny and witty replies to rude comments. They are funny, they are witty—but their underlying meaning depends on your prudence. Use them however you like!

Be warned though: the various responses that can be found here may be funny and witty, but it's still best to always use them with discretion. Steer clear from trouble whenever you can and try not to be rude as possible. We've got a lot of mean-spirited people in the world already. Only use this list to poke fun and for amusement. Enjoy!

• Sorry fella, I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today.
• Umm...pardon me, I wasn't listening. Can you repeat what you just said?
• Ok. (This simple expression embodies the fact that you don't give a f*ck!)
• That sounds weird coming from you. Am I? Am I Really? (Say this with a pissed tone, and you'll sound hostile enough for them to back off.)
• Are you always such an idiot, or do you just show off when I'm around?
• Whatever you say, hefe. (Hefe is actually another term for a loser or someone who tries to act cool. Many people don't know this, of course.)
• Sorry, I don't understand what you're saying. I don't speak bullsh*t.
• Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? If they ask you why say: "Cause it looks like you landed on your face!"
• Awww...are you having a bad day? (They probably are experiencing a bad day. That's why they're being mean in the first place. It's all so that they can make you feel what they are feeling.)
• Thank you very much for thinking about me! Bye.
• *Repeat what they just said back* (This never fails to annoy the heck out of the rude person. The joke's on them!)
• I hope your day is as pleasant as your personality!
• Just so you know, this conversation is being recorded. (Most people don't like the ugly side of them being recorded or caught in tape. Heck, even just seeing themselves in a mirror behind you will water down their spitefulness. Tell them they're being recorded and there's a significant chance they'll behave better.)
• The jerk store called. They said they're all out of...you!
• Your misguided opinion is false but cute.
• Goodbye! (Most of the time, a simple farewell is all it takes to end all the drama.)
• Cool story bro!
• You know they can hear you, right?
• It is kind of hilarious watching you try to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
• How is that supposed to make me feel?
• There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
• Look, if I wanted to hear from an asshole, all I had to do was fart.
• I've been called worse things by better people.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.

Gilles Rolland-Monnet, CC0, via Unsplash

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Witty Comebacks

• So is your face!
• Oh, enough about me! What have you been up to lately?
• Well, as they say: "It takes one to know one."
• I understand what you're saying, but if I agreed with you, then we'd both be wrong.
• Were you born on the highway? That is where most accidents happen. (Ouch!)
• Hold on a second. I've got something I need to say. *then you walk away* (Hahaha! This will definitely build some suspense and keep them hanging...indefinitely!)
• Not too many people like you, do they?
• That's a nice story and all, but in what chapter do you shut the f*ck up?
• Shhh! *then put your finger on their lips*
• I would explain it to you, but I don't have the time for the crayons! (This is a subtle way of telling rude people that the way they're acting makes them seem very immature.)
• I believe you. (Remember that means people want you to disagree with them. By agreeing with them, you're basically ruining their wicked plans.)
• Wait for your turn. The adults are talking. ( T his works really well if you're speaking with the rude person in a group.)

Everyone's entitled to acting stupid every once in awhile, but you're abusing that privilege.

Jamie Street, CC0, via Unsplash

• You have your entire life to be a jerk. Why not take today off?
• Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
• I'm calling the cops.
• Thank you. (A simple act of gratitude can throw their ill intentions out of whack.)
• People like you are the reason I'm on medication.
• I'm telling on you!
• I don't care what everyone else says. I don't think you're that bad.
• Everyone's entitled to act stupid once in a while, but you're really abusing the privilege.
• May I ask you to stop talking? It smells really bad.
• Remember when I asked for your opinion? Well, me neither.
• I'm whatever you want me to be, sweetie. (Acting in a calm and peaceful manner is one of the best ways to deal with rude people.)
• Thanks for sharing. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• Have a wonderful day, sir/ma'am.

Remember when I asked for your opinion?

Joshua Wilking, CC0, via Unsplash

• Remember that time when I said you were cool? I lied.
• If they are rolling their eyes on you, say: "Yeah, keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you'll find a brain back there."
• Why don't you go outside and play hide and go f*ck yourself
• Man, no wonder everyone talks about you behind your back.
• Well, bless your heart!
• You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.
• I totally understand now why you feel that way. Thank you for letting me know.
• You always bring me so much joy—as soon as you leave the room.
• If I threw a stick, you'd leave, right? (This is you subtly calling them dogs. Still, dogs are better than them.)
• Talk to the hand!
• Woah! Do you hear that? *silence* That's the sound of me not caring.
• Your ass must be pretty jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.
• You're going to miss everything cool and die angry.
• *Just walk away* ( T here's no bigger insult than indifference!)
• I'm trying my absolute hardest to see things from your perspective, but I just can't get my head that far up my ass.
• *Make sustained eye contact and then lick your lips* (There's a great chance this will make things funny and awkward.)
• I have better things to do than listen to you.
• Stupidity's not a crime, so feel free to go.
• Eenngk, enggk, engggkk! Sorry, the line's choppy. Bye!
• Please elaborate. (This might stop them on their tracks because elaborating takes a lot of time. Also, they probably haven't prepared anything to explain to you.)
• Wow, you're really smart!
• Here's a tissue, you have some sh*t on your lips.
• If you ran like your mouth, you'd be in good shape.
• I believed in evolution until I met you.

Do your parents realize that they're living proof that two wrongs don't make a right?

Doug Swinson, CC0, via Unsplash

• Sometimes, it's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than open it and remove all doubt.
• If you have an opinion about me, raise your hand. Then, after raising your hand, put it in your mouth.
• Mirrors don't lie, and lucky for you, they also don't laugh.
• I'd slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
• Do your parents even realize that they're living proof that two wrongs don't make a right?
• Surprise me. Say something intelligent.
• I don't remember asking for your opinion.
• I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.
• I'm busy; you're ugly. Have a nice day.
• If you're going to be two-faced, at least make one pretty.
• I'm not a proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one.
• Roses are red; violets are blue. I have five fingers, and the third one is for you.
• Why don't you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale?
• I hope you step on a Lego. (Nothing in this world is more painful than stepping on a Lego. Ouch!)
• You only annoy me when you're breathing, really.
• No, I just checked my receipt. I didn't buy any of your bullsh*t.
• The last time I saw someone like you, I flushed it.
• Being a dick won't make yours bigger. (This is usually effective against males.)
• Of course, I talk like an idiot. How else would you be able to understand me?
• I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.
• Do you want some breath mints? (Ah, one of the most subtle ways to say they have bad breath or just want them to shut up.)
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'm guessing it's hard to pronounce.
• Ooooh. I almost gave a f*ck. It almost scared the sh*t out of me.
• Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
• I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not you. (Burn!)

© 2018 Cheeky Kid

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